| | How I wish I could just shut this blog away from some people who I don't want to reveal myself to.. This is something personal, just for me and my close ones to read.. But I'm being a hypocrite, because if I really bothered, I could do just that, yet I didn't; maybe a part of me is attention-seeking, bah! What a dilemma! I guess it's quite safe to say most of us have that side? =/
Last week was the first week of term 2, after 2 whole weeks of holidays.. I still went to school during the holidays, still went to NUH every Saturday without fail.. It's exhausting. It's not funny when you have to work on a software from Monday to Friday and for another separate project on Saturdays. It's physically and mentally exhausting. I feel isolated from the world, from my friends and loved ones. A pile of clothing waiting to be ironed greets me everyday; i feel so ashamed of myself. My room is in a mess; does it reflect my life too?
I have so many bottled up frustrations in me but I just can't put it into words. Staring at this blinking line, typing some and then erasing them again; I end up writing nothing.
As I sat on the window, with my legs dangling freely, the cool breeze caressing my skin, I thought through my options. Was I to take the easy way out? Leaving everything in a mess as it is now, leaving sorrow and sadness to those who cared.. A selfish part of me wanted to leave the mess for someone else, cause sorrow, regret and guilt for others..I never did; the fear of death was too overwhelming for me. I felt like a coward, running away from my problems, furiously occupying myself to avoid what's been bothering me the most..
It scares me that I could forgive the verbal abuse; perhaps I felt that I deserved that or that the love I have for you made me do so? I dare not demand much; I'm a dreamer but who knows about my dreams? Who knows about my loneliness, four empty walls greeting me when I come "home". I'm far away from home, far away from the comfort of being in a family.. Who knows about my endless worries and responsibilities?
I'm happy now, being with you feels like it completes me.. Do you feel the same way too? I smile stupidly at the littlest of gestures; a short mesage, holding hands, building an extra PC so that I won't feel bored.. I remember many things, just that I keep quiet most of the time.. It's not that I forget or I didn't notice, it's just that I never did say it out..
Aishiteru
|
| | Posted 6/29/2009 12:33 AM - 3 Views
- recommend
  - recs0
- share
- email
 - sent0
|
